Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Big Mike's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, July 10th, 2004
1:08 am	finally...... for whole ten days i wont be here and i cant wait. 4 days in ohio and the rest in illinois. fucking gathering time i cant fuckin wait. peace yall Current Mood: excited (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 17th, 2004
6:50 am	SOMETHING IS WORNG WITH ME...... will it last for eternity, fuck i hope not. cant sleep the whole nite through, haunted by fucked up visions and dreams. when i walk around and look at ppl all i can think of is how many ways i can hurt them and than i start to laugh, but its not like a chuckle, its a straight up everytime i think about it i laugh to myself like i aint got no kinda heart. i think i turnin psychotic and im really worried i might hurt someone. im sure of u are probably thinkin oh thats just big mike talkin he always says that kinda shit but i have never in my life been more serious than i am right now. id like to give up smokin tweeds but if i do im afraid that might assist the break down and im sure we all dont want that. but regardless im done with this for today so im out yall. i dont think i have any words of wisdom....well ill give it a shot...remember always watch your back cause your the only one whose always there. Current Mood: cynical (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 28th, 2004
10:41 pm	plain and simple.... i just want to know why my name is brought up by ppl who dont even talk to me. i physically go out of my way not to be around certain ppl and still they think they know what goes on in my life. im sure most of u know who im talking about, in fact i sure all of u know who im talking about, im mean seriously how would anyone but the ppl i tell know where i work. in fact here is a list of ppl who i told where i work... megan, carlos, nikki, marshall, jon, my dad, chuck, heather, amy and a few select others. take notice of anyones name that is not here and yet he tells ppl i have two jobs, what a fuckin twit. i guess what im trying to say is that if some says anyone tells u anything about me please get ahold me before u take it as truth. i starting to fall into a pit of not caring and im having dreams again, which i dont like or understand. hopefully in due time this wrestling thing i signed up for will start. thats really about all the good news i got, i would really like to get ahold of some ppl i want to talk to but alas i dont know what to do get to them without everyone and thier brother getting into my business. well i guess ill be signing off, but i have to right mikes words of wisdom for this entry so i leave with this..... sometimes what ppl say has a deeper meaning and other times what they mean is exactly what they say. Current Mood: distressed (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 24th, 2004
5:59 pm	same shit..... but it doesnt really feel like a different day. it has become apparent to that after awhile it all just seems to melt together. nothing is new, nothing is different. with this discovery i realize just how comfortable ive become with it and it frightens me. im not quite sure how to change the everyday routine, and for the first time in my life i may actually be scared by this revelation. i have to find a way out of this cause if i dont im afraid i might actually lose my mind to point that there is no coming back from. i have this deep seeded anger towards society and it has reached the point that the only way i can stop myself from hurting someone is to have nikki pull away in car like a fuckin maniac. in most cases i can see myself actually hurting the person and that scares me to the point that soon i might need help. i lost my job which isnt a big deal to me, in fact it is the one chance i have to change this looping never ending facade of a existence. ive always had this fear that id end up being to comfortable in my habits and now that fear has come true, and im not really sure how to break them. there isnt really to much more for me to talk about so i guess ill leave as i always do with my words of wisdom - time may be ceaseless but our lives arent, do the best u can to do the things u love. Current Mood: annoyed (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2003
4:28 am	i had nothin better to do BOUT YOU [ x ] your first name spelled backwards: ekim [ x ] the story behind your user name: in the belief of light and dark this would be alter-ego if u will, and the 17 if u dont know u dont need, but maybe u should check out track 17 on icps the wraith shangri la. [ x ] where do you live: Reading Pa the asshole of pennsylvania [ x ] 4 words that sum you up: lost, honest, BIG, different DESCRIBE YOUR [ x ] wallet – 20 bucks [ x ] hairbrush – whichever one is in the bathroom [ x ] toothbrush – my blue one from the dollar store [ x ] jewelry worn daily – 6 earring, 4 eyebrow rings and my 2 gauge tounge ring. [ x ] pillow cover – what the fuck do i need a pillow cover for [ x ] blanket – my warm comfy blue one with cigarette burns in it [ x ] underwear – sometimes boxers, but mostly none [ x ] shoes – chuck taylors like a muthafucker.(even though now they are trendy) [ x ] favorite shirt – my psychopathic records hockey jersey [ x ] CD in stereo right now - mp3(at this point its the kotton mouth kings) [ x ] tattoos – 8 [ x ] piercings – 11 [ x ] what you are wearing now –silver shorts, longsleeve mushroomhead shirt, and my icp shrangi la t shirt. [ x ] hair – blonde for now WHO or WHAT (was/is/are) [ x ] in my mouth - tounge ring and cigarette [ x ] in my head - lyrics to the kotton mouth kings [ x ] wishing – i wasnt gonna be alone for xmas and that i had the friends that i lost just recently back [ x ] talking to – this fuckin survey [ x ] fetishes – peircings and tattoos [ x ] if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason?:most of todays society. [ x ] person you wish you could see right now :too many ppl to name [ x ] is next to you – a heater cause everyone else is sleepin [ x ] some of your favorite movies – The Crow, Slc punk. american history x, vampire hunter d [ x ] something you're looking forward to in the next month-income tax returns [ x ] something that you are deathly afraid of – not being able to control my anger. [ x ] do you like incense – some [ x ] do you like the taste of blood – my own [ x ] do you believe in love – sometimes [ x ] do you believe in soul mates -i sure do [ x ] do you believe in love at first sight – at one point i did [ x ] do you believe in Heaven - no i believe in shangri-la [ x ] do you believe in forgiveness – depends on what has been done sumthings are unforgivable [ x ] do you believe in God – in my own way [ x ] what do you want done with your body when you're dead? – i want to made animatronic like those robots at disney world and have a little speaker box with different buttons and when u press them it plays different things i would say. [ x ] who is your worst enemy – anyone who tries to hold me back [ x ] if you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be?- grizzly bear [ x ] what are cities you wouldn't mind relocating to – anywhere but here and greenville illinois, preferably detroit [ x ] what are some for your favorite pig out foods – im fat so of course all food(not really i would say italian) [ x ] what's something that you wish people would understand – why i dont like the mass of society. [ x ] what's something you wish you could understand - why the mass of society is so stupid. Current Mood: restless Current Music: stuff (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
4:59 am	well ....... i dont really know what to talk about, have u ever had the feeling that you are trying your hardest to move forward, but your not going anywhere and u just want to give up. maybe goin into hiding for a bit, i feel that way right now but alas i cant (damn job). i guess i just gotta go with the flow. im not really sure how many ppl actually read this or read this and actually give a damn, but in all i just want to make an in general comment, from what i gather there are some ppl who dont like but wont tell me, all i ask is for your honesty and if u dont like me just tell. i am very sure that you are not the first person nor will u be the last person to not like me, in fact if u dont like me thats fine i dont really care, i would just like to know where i stand amongst the masses. onto better things, zombie i would like to thank u again for the xmas present and i hope u enjoy yours as much as i enjoy mine. Rose my dear i dont know how often u read this but i think we may have the near perfect gift for u, hopefully u like. and one more complaint when are they gonna make more cool stuff for fat ppl, dammit i hate bein fat. well i now i guess it time for closing words and as u all know i try to put something touching or meaningful at the end of all my entries, but sometimes i draw a blank on what to say so i leave u with this.... no matter how much life shits on you, or how much the think the world has turned its back on u remember on thing, you are you and you are special. Current Mood: cold Current Music: tv yet again (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 7th, 2003
2:40 am	blah..... 1. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it. 2. Am I loveable? 3. How long have you known me? 4. When and how did we first meet? 5. What was your first impression? 6. Do you still think that way about me now? 7. What do you think my weakness is? 8. Do you think I'll get married? 9. What makes me happy? 10. What makes me sad? 11. What reminds you of me? 12. If you could give me anything what would it be? 13. How well do you know me? 14. When's the last time you saw me? 15. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't? 16. Do you think I could kill someone? 17. Describe me in one word. 18. Do you think our friendship is getting stronger/weaker/or staying the same? 19. Do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen? 20. Are you going to put this on your LiveJournal and see what I say about you? Current Mood: confused Current Music: tv (7 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2003
5:31 am	ummm.....just a few random words my mind feels seperated from it self, im not exactly sure why i feel like this. time seems to move in big pieces instead of small fragments. my body is numb, yet i still fell everything. im missing something and i just dont know what it is. am i sick or am i just crazy, i want to scream, but i just want to be silent and sit in the dark. i want to go out, but just want to stay in the solitude of my own house. i want to be around people, but i hate most of them. i want to hang out, but i want to physically and verabally destroy another human being. im so awake but all i want to do is sleep. i am me, but i feel like someone else. well like i said just random words, no for my grand finale..... to the ppl that matter you are special make sure that they know to the ppl that matter they are special. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 25th, 2003
5:19 pm	tell me what u think..... i looked at u and smiled the other day i thought you'd see me, but you didnt. i said i loved you and waited for what you'd say, i thought you'd hear me, but didnt. i asked you to come outside and play ball with me, i thought you'd follow me, but you didnt. i drew a picture just for you to see, i thought you'd save it forever, but you didnt. i made a fort for us back in the woods, i thought you'd camp out with me, but you didnt. i found some worms and stuff for fishing, i thought you'd wanna go with me, but you didnt. i needed you just to talk to me, to share my thoughts with, i thought you'd want to, but you didnt. i told you about this game hoping you would show up to play, i thought you'd surely come, but you didnt. i asked you to share my youth with me, i thought you'd want to, but you couldnt. my country called me off to war, you asked me to come home safely, but i didnt. keep the ones you love close to you, and make sure they know you love them all the time. anything can happen at anytime, make sure whoever you love knows you love them. i dont subject ppl to things they dont like but i felt that since this touched me it might touch you also. before everyone asks me this poem is not mine it was writing by joseph bruce (aka violent j of insane clown posse) Current Mood: shocked Current Music: this poem (Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2003
8:46 pm	well..... in such uneventful times and such an uneventful place it is hard to find things to write. i try to keep this as some what of an open forum, where ppl can express themselves anyway they choose, but along these lines i have one simple request- please and i restate please do not post on my journal to ask someone else a question that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. with that said and done, id like to thank all the ppl that come here and read my mindless ramblings, you all make me feel like a special part of this world and it reassures me that there are ppl who actually care what i have to say. in a world where its normal for ppl not to care what others have to say its a refreshing thing to see that some of us are above and beyond the so called norms of society. i dont believe i express just how important u all are to me. i know sumtimes i can seem like an insensitive son of a bitch, but i would think and hope by now most of the ppl that know me realize thats just a outer shelling of myself for protective purposes. well all in all words cannot suffice the importance of our friendships. now for my clever words as always, there comes a time in every persons life when the must become an adult, but is there every a time when a person must become a child again? (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 20th, 2003
3:04 pm	so anyway..... this solely for the purpose to put a smile on aarons face. R we happy now i posted, now i need sumthing thought provoking and stimulating to write here. so the most monetary holiday in america is coming up. does anyone else find it odd that on this day of love, peace, and brotherhood, if u dont get sumone something they think u dont care about them. oh the great morals that are instilled onto the youth of america. i for sum reason ashamed of this holiday but on the other hand i like the feeling i get when i know sumthing i got someone makes their day just a little bit brighter.torn between two strong emotions, the hatetred of our reliance on money and making sure my friedns know i care. well i think thats enough for my little corner of the internet, until next time remember if your true to yourself noone can call u fake. Current Mood: complacent Current Music: none (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 25th, 2003
12:06 am	what to talk about..... honestly i have no idea what to talk about, let me think..... how about the cold thats going around, no i dont care about that. how bout marshals brother getting arrested, now thats some fucked up shit they did right there. it was for some fuckin trees and like 50 bucks. than it turns out the kid didnt even steal it, or sum shit like that but thats not important. the dry winter spell or Reading will soon begin and there will be nothing to do around here again, except sitting around and rotting. ahhh the wonderful world of a mid twenties reject oh what fun it is. well i guess on that note it is time for me to bid you all a fond farewell for now. my final thought is this, if your awake to see the sunset and rise again does the day really change or is it all the same? Current Mood: disappointed Current Music: encino man in the background (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 19th, 2003
1:50 am	um...... im trying to think of sumthing poetic or mind bending, but words fail me at the moment. i cant get my mind to run straight and norrow at the moment. have u ever received word on sumthing goin around and u just cant tell that person cause u didnt hear it from the source. funny how this pops up on one of my more recent entries. how odd this seems to me, and maybe it only seems that way to me and no one else but thats fine. now i am stuck in a situation that i dont want to be in and it really sux. now i must call upon all my morals to find an end to this situation. as for the poetic or mind bending thought i was trying to come up with it still hasnt appeared to me and i dont think it will anytime soon, so i leave u with a quote, "its not that im lazy, its that i just dont care." Current Mood: high Current Music: none but ppl talking (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 18th, 2003
1:54 am	im flattered well here is the chance some ppl have been waiting for, the chance to slam me for what im about to say. first off arron i must thank u for your last comment, i have never truly found myself to be very interesting (insert smart ass comment here) you certainly have put a smile on my face. i have never really taken well to compliments but coming from aaron i cant help but accept it. onto other topics now, how does everyone feel about the hurricane we are supposed to get, maybe i should take advance warning and run to the hall of demons known as wal mart. cause im sure if i dont go soon all the bread and milk will be gone. here is a good questions, a natural disaster is coming and we buy bread and milk, two things that spoil easily, wouldnt it be smarter to buy juice or something that wont go bad if they arent kept cold. as for the bread i cant really say anything bad about that but the milk thing really throws me, maybe i just dont understand. as before i look forward to everyones opinions on this subject, but for now i leave u with this, if u make a clone of yourself and kill it is murder or suicide????????? Current Mood: thoughtful Current Music: simpsons road rage (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 17th, 2003
12:48 am	wow i never thought anything i would say would cause such a debate i dont if i should be proud of that or not. regardless of that i thank all the ppl that commented on the subject the more ppl that reply the better i view the whole situation. i know it can be a touchy subject im just glad that we all were able to act like the adults and not the children that some us are labeled. maybe in the future ill be able to make more posts of the magnitude so that we can have fun and interesting conversations like the previous one. as i said before i hope no one was offended by my statements. it was meant as thought not as a take these things to heart. well i think on this i will leave all to your own devices. remember always make sure your friends you appreciate them, later everyone. Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: tech nine (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 13th, 2003
2:34 pm	i should have hit him.... but first things first chuck im sorry for losing my cool at work. in same breath i would also like to apologize to the rest of the ppl there. now for those of you who werent there, it happens like this, we close at nine, all the machines go off and we close up. well tonite someone decided they didnt like the way we did things, it started off that i was an asshole and thats fine, than he macho man of a husband stares me down and starts to call me shit in spanish and for some reason that really set me off. for some reason unknown to myself the more he said the more pissed i got and suddenly lost my cool and went all fucked and screamed and i quote "your tryin to punk me out cause im white..." why i said this i dont really know, but it seemed right at the moment. i mean i really wanted to hit this guy, i know this may sound racist or whatever but sometimes i feel like because im white that i get treated like a second class citizen, and when i say i mean i get treated badly and get weird looks from groups of spanish and black ppl. i may be wrong, maybe im just paranoid, but if there is anyone who gets the same feeling i do i would appreciate your input or thoughts on this subject. well to all my friends i bid u a fare goodnight and i hope when i see u next u are in good health. Current Mood: disturbed Current Music: nikkis cd (15 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 10th, 2003
12:43 am	friends a definition by a used and abused person..... what is the true meaning of friend, is someone that will tell u the truth whenever they feel u need to be told the truth. is it someone that hides the truth because they dont want u to get hurt. ppl expect u to tell them the truth but when u do they get upset because they didnt want to know what was goin on. being a friend is a full time job there is no way around it, u constantly have to worry if your doin the best thing for your friends. the worst part about being friend is that your friend attitudes, feelings and emotions, affect the way u act and feel. when a friend is goin through hard times u feel the pain also, and u try to distract them and yourself from those feelings but in a way its kinda of a selfish motive if u actually take a close look at it. u try to make them feel better so u dont feel as sad, but u make it look like your doing solely for them. i know may seem somewhat wicked and have malice beyond but in a cruel way its the truth and it hard to admit. why im writing about this i dont really know, it just seems to be something i want to express in word form and i cant find a way to vocalize it properly so i wrote it down here. this not being writing to offend anyone or to make anyone think bad of me its just something i believe needs to be said. i know sum ppl will think that this is rude and just the wrong thing to say but i mean come on like i havent been known for sayin the wrong thing more than once, so this shouldnt change what ppl think about me. not that ppl think about me really matters, the only real thing i want for ppl is to tell me the truth about how they feel about me. ive always been proud of the person i have turned out to be and i think of myself as a good friend and i hope others see me that also but if they dont my life still goes on. well i believe that i may have said enough and im sure your very bored with my simple words so i bid u a good night, remember u can pick your friends and u can pick your nose but u cant pick your friends nose.. hahhahhahahaha bad joke but oh well. Current Mood: thoughtful (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, September 4th, 2003
8:43 pm	thursday i slept from the time the sun came up till the time it went back down, and it felt awesome. i couldnt believe how good it to just sleep. i let the whole day just slip away, i didnt bother with the days endless nuisances. nor did i have to deal with the stupidity of the masses. it was my day, a day to let my mind relax and not think about anything, no clouding thoughts of any kind. i know believe that at least once a month everyone should just take a day to not do anything. to just sit there and let themself empty out. its good for the body and soul, because anyone with half a brain knows that we can only handle so much before we go completely off the deep end. now im awake and everything seems more vivid, everythings is bright and stands out. maybe im crazy, wait i was already crazy wasnt i. i just cant get over how much better i feel after today. but along with being awake comes more thoughts, and im sitting here writing this thinking about how only a few years ago things seemed so much easier and i think of the ppl that have come and gone in my life. i maybe the only one, hopefully not, who sits back and looks around and thinks holy shit things have changed and i barely took notice to it. i think that maybe im gonna take maybe just a little more time once and a while to take more notice of the things around me, cause you never know when your gunna miss sumthing, and just how much youll miss it when its gone. Current Mood: chipper (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 2nd, 2003
1:57 am	so..... i just got done reading a friends journal and something he said really hit on a comment i posted earlier. it was the whole thing about telling kids to stay in school, you know like ppl used to tell us when we were younger. it feels kinda odd to be here in the so called real world. know that i look at all this gets thrown on us kind of abruptly, i mean one day u know exactly what the day holds and than after some ludicris event (graduation) our whole world gets turned upside down. there is no more allowance, no more rides, no more promised weekends off and three month summer vacations, in fact we are lucky to get a week of summer vacation. its odd how u never think of these things till u see it somewhere else and than it all seems to flood in at once. i look at the world around me and its changing all the time and i think the worst part is that im not changing with it. it kinda feels like its moving on without me and in some way it scares me. at these times i sit back and wonder what is next, what will be the next big change or the next silly fad, and i know that i will find it ridiculous. its an odd way to look at life and im sure sum ppl think that im being all depressed and down troddin about this but its more like im accepting how the world works and im starting to deal with it. sumtimes i ask myself do i regret the things ive done and would i change any of them, and honestly from the body of my heart i can say no. everything ive done was done for a purpose, and played sum crucial part in my life and i have accepted that. well thats all for my mindless jabber for now so i bid u farewell and goodnight, till next time stay happy, stay healthy, and stay close. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: tlc music of ladies giving birth ewwwwww (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 31st, 2003
9:14 pm	pondering...... yea weird title i know but thats what ive been doin lately is just pondering, well that and trying to be a good friend to both of my friends involved in a on again off again relationship. but that situation not for me to write about. i just sit here and ponder boy i wonder how different it wouldbe if i never met this person and than it leads on to a huge train of thought of how one aspect changes the next and so on and so forth. all this leads me than to think about how fast time has gone by.... it seems like it wasnt that long ago i was one of the kids goin to the mall to meet my friends but now im goin there to work and it just feels odd. i think the thing i love best is how me and my friends are turning somewhat into our parents, i sit there at work and the young kids are like i hate school so much and there i am wishing i was still in school, and i wind up sayin stay in school as long as possible, youll hate the real world, all the things they teach u school dont mean anything out here. although for the most part im used to it now and im pretty happy with the way my life is goin. i just i would have been a little more prepared for what was in store for me. but on a higher note ive just been really happy lately, its that happy for no reason happy. i dont know if that makes sense to anyone but it does to me. its the happy were you wake up in the morning and your happy, you go to work and you happy. the kinda happy where u look at things always on the bright side. so to end this entry im taking a poll how long will this just being happy last? Current Mood: productive Current Music: random noise (1 Comment |Comment on this)